你的程序员属于何种怪物?

♥ What kind of monsters are your programmers? ♥


“我们在和怪物打斗的过程中要留心不要被同化为怪物。因为近朱者赤,近墨者黑。”
♥ “Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.” ♥
弗雷德雷西•尼采
♥ Friedrich Nietzsche ♥

“不是所有的怪物都有毒牙。”
“Not all the monsters have fangs.”
J. A. London
♥ J. A. London ♥

你认为程序员都是温和而迷糊的?不,亲爱的,这么想你就大错特错了。这种神奇的生物潜伏在代码蛛网上,一天到晚只在想算法和功能:所以,怎么可能是正常的一般人呢?但是不要害怕 – 你可以驯服它们。只要你能确定他们是什么样的怪物……
♥ You think programmers are warm and fuzzy? No, sweetheart, it is a profound mistake. Miraculous creatures that lurk in the cobweb of code, who think algorithms and functions; how can they be normal and average? But don’t be afraid – you can tame them. You just have to identify what kind of monster they are. Welcome to the odditorium… ♥

苦难天使
♥ Angel of Suffering ♥

Angel of Suffering他已经超出了辛勤工作的界线。想象一下,这样一个极度的工作狂,当深夜的你已经安然入眠的时候,他还在办公室里挥洒血汗,喝过量的咖啡,不厌其烦的吃外卖披萨。早上你还可以看到他正睡在办公室的办公桌上。你知道问题是什么吗?没有人要求他工作得这么辛苦,而且他还会对那些不愿意一起进入他自创的这个地狱而发脾气。
♥ He is the one who goes beyond the bounds where hard work becomes hardcore. Imagine an excessive workaholic, while you are chilling at home in the evening, he sweats blood at the office, overdoses on coffee and eats only pizza. You can see him sleeping at the office desk in the morning. And you know what the problem is? No one asked him to work SO hard, and he is a little angry at those who don’t share his self-created hell. ♥

僵尸
♥ Zombie ♥

Zombie为什么他还在你的公司?他是一个“聊胜于无”,缓慢而稳定的怪物,能够用茶匙挖破城墙——如果你给他的时间足够多,也不要求结果出色的话。无特殊技能,一般的团队成员,三流的代码。他永远无法解说他工作的细节——就像被巫婆偷吃了他的脑子。他可以在你的公司默默无闻地待上几年,干着几乎无用的工作。
♥ Why is he still in your company? He is a “good enough” and “better than nothing”, slow and steady monster able to dig through the Chinese wall with a teaspoon; if you will give him enough time and won’t ask for outstanding results. No specific skills, average team player, third-rate code. And he never can tell the details of his work – voodoo warlocks has stolen his mind. He can work for years in your company, silent, unseen and almost useless. ♥

幽灵
♥ Wraith ♥

Wraith幽灵是你的王牌。他是一个隐身战士,能够在黑暗的裹尸布中完成你交付给他的任务,并且甚至你都看不到他是否在建造中。不要想去抓住他,等着看他的工作成果就是了。
♥ A wraith is your trump card. He is a stealthy warrior that does what you have just planned. Wraith works in a shroud of darkness, and you don’t know if he is in the building. Don’t try to catch him, just witness the results of his work. ♥

石巨魔
♥ Stone troll ♥

Abomination传说中最慢的生物。简直令人无法想象:他到底是怎么做的,才能用这么长的时间去完成这些最简单的任务?起初,你以为他可以提供高质量的代码,他只是速度慢而已。但是因为他,所有有截止期限的任务总是被推迟。而且你所不知道的是,他甚至不会及时完成任务。哪怕已经在火烧眉毛了,石巨魔依然不紧不慢,悠哉悠哉。
♥ A creature who is legendary SLOW. It seems impossible; how could he do even the easiest tasks for so long? At first you think that he delivers high grade code, but he is just slow. All his tasks have deadlines which are always postponed because of him. And you know what? He won’t finish even them in time. Having an eternity on his hands, stone trolls never hurry up. ♥

刀锋杀手
♥ Blade-handed feature slayer ♥

Blade-handed feature slayer他会杀死所有他接触的东西。他开发的每个功能都无法正常工作,或稍有变化就会崩溃。他的虚荣心不让他去检查自己的代码(不然要QA干什么?)。如果你有胆敢说他犯了一个错误,或做错了什么的话……那么你最好拼命地跑,就像逃离地狱一样地跑。他永远不会承认错误:这是一个功能,而不是bug,知道不?在和这些双手是刀锋的人争论的时候,一定要小心。
♥ He kills everything he touches. Each feature he developed won’t work, or will crash after the slightest changes. His vanity won’t let him check his own code (what for, if we have Q&As?). And if you dare to mention that he has made a mistake or done something wrong…You’d better run, run like hell. He will never admit it. It was a feature, not a bug, got it? Be careful in discussions with the one who has blades instead of hands. ♥

憎恶
♥ Abomination ♥

Abomination可怕,不堪设想,完全令人难以置信的生物。哪怕是在你最古怪的梦里,也不会见到这样的怪物。如果你让他创建项目的逻辑——他会做出一些比他们自身更加神经错乱的事情,不管是粗糙的营销网站还是复杂的系统。没有一个人可以在他之后继续这个项目的工作,因为没有人能够接手这样疯癫的事情。对于他乱七八糟的工作,只能重新再做过。
♥ Terrifying, hard to imagine, absolutely incredible creature. You won’t see the same in your weirdest dreams. If you let him create the logic of the project – he will make something more delirious than he himself, albeit a primitive marketing website or a sophisticated system. Not a single person can work on this project after him, because nobody can continue such insane things. Just look at his flagrant work and re-do. ♥

小妖精
♥ Gremlin ♥

Gremlin小妖精很调皮,能在你不知不觉中侵蚀一切。即使他已经离开你的公司,你还是会不断地发现他的捣蛋痕迹:不合逻辑的元素,过于冗长的无用代码,以及毁掉其他一切的硬编码部分。侦查小妖精也很容易:如果有什么崩溃了,也不工作了,那么有99.9%的可能是因为有他的存在。这对你的竞争对手而言,将会是多么美好的一份礼物啊!
♥ A mischievous one, and a natural born corruptor. Even after he leaves your company, you will keep finding traces of his roguish hands: illogical elements, loooong lines of useless code, and hardcoded parts that ruin everything else. A Gremlin is easy to detect: if something crashes and won’t work, there’s a 99.9% probability that he was here. What a beautiful gift for your competitors he would be! ♥

 


所有这些生物,假装人类,存在于你的办公室——不要让他们迷惑你!事先警告你,就可以事先作做好准备。
♥ All these creatures dwell in your office pretending to be humans – don’t let them confuse you! To be forewarned is to be forearmed. ♥

万圣节快乐!
♥ Happy Halloween! ♥

 

原文链接:What kind of monsters are your programmers?